If You Give a Mom a Merlot

If you give a mom a merlot, she’ll want a cigarette to go with it.

So she’ll bust out the pack of Camel Lights she hides in the garage.

When she’s finished drinking a glass, she’ll want another.

And another.

And another.

When it’s all gone, she’ll ask her husband to buy more.

He’ll have to go to Trader Joe’s to get some “Two-Buck Chuck.”

She’ll want to stay home on the couch.

When she unlocks her phone and sees how many notifications she has, she’ll start scrolling.

While she’s scrolling, she’ll notice an old high school boyfriend just joined Words With Friends.

She’ll challenge him to a match.

She’ll play the word GROW.

It will remind her of the weed her sister used to grow.

So she’ll dig out her old stash.

She’ll make pot brownies.

When they’re done, she’ll want to eat one and watch The Big Lebowski.

She’ll need some chips and queso.

Then she’ll add WENIS down from GROW in her Scrabble game.

When her move is finished, she’ll laugh so hard that she pees a little on the couch.

So she’ll look for something to cover it up.

She’ll use her daughter’s blankie.

When she sees the blankie, she’ll remember she was supposed to pick Molly up from violin an hour ago.

She’ll jump up and shout, “FUCK!”

She’ll get up so fast that she’ll knock over the queso.

So she’ll use the blankie to clean up the mess.

Then she’ll go to throw it in the washer.

When she’s in the mudroom, she’ll see all of the empty wine bottles in the recycling bin.

Seeing the bottles will remind her of merlot.

She’ll probably ask you for some.

And chances are… if you give her the merlot,

She’ll want a cigarette to go with it.

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