14 Signs You’re Officially Middle-Aged

I used to think there was a difference between being in my forties and being middle-aged. Middle age has always sounded like something far off, like Indonesia or the next season of The Flight Attendant. But really, most people hit middle age WAY before their 50’s. I mean, how many people do you know who live to be 100 or older? For all I know, I could die tomorrow, which would mean that I was middle-aged when I was 21. And while it’s nice to think about living every day as if it were your last, I’m pretty sure I’d end up broke with early onset diabetes and cirrhosis of the liver. So I’m choosing to recognize and celebrate my old(er) lady-ness. And what better way to honor my age than a self-deprecating list?

  1. Lemon water is now something you actively make and drink at home. By the liter. Because your health depends on it.
  2. You choose between a show or dinner because doing both will keep you out (and up) too late.
  3. You ask for a vacuum cleaner for your birthday… and are genuinely very excited when you get it.
  4. You watch late night shows the next day, because you can’t stay awake long enough to watch them live.
  5. You’ve stopped drinking caffeine after 3pm, or stopped altogether.
  6. You’re starting to dog-ear pages in your Garnet Hill catalog. Okay, don’t freak out, it’s not like it’s Chico’s.
  7. You watch British crime shows with subtitles because you have trouble hearing with the accents.
  8. You watch British crime shows. Lots of them.
  9. You’ve stopped wearing thongs. When it’s laundry day, you’d rather wear a swimsuit bottom than a g-string.
  10. Your Google searches for swimwear include “ruched” and/or “full coverage”
  11. Your doctors are younger than you. I have no problem with this except that it’s something I’ve noticed and it does indeed make me feel like I’ve moved up an age bracket. I don’t call them “Doogie” to their face because: 1) I respect them and their abilities, and 2) They don’t know who “Doogie” is.
  12. When someone calls out, “Excuse me, m’am?” you turn around without hesitation.
  13. You start more and more sentences with “When I was your age…”
  14. You don’t know what a “Finsta” is. I do now, but had to look it up when I heard the term on a TV show. Because I only watch shows now and not movies. Because I always fall asleep during movies. Because I can’t keep my eyes open after 11pm. Because I’m MIDDLE-AGED. And I’m kinda, sorta but not really okay with that.

Do you embrace your age? What makes you feel old(er)?

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